No Body’s Dead, Yet.
“Lust Canal Queen”
Lust Canal: This season’s Canal King, Paul Mescal.
Spring Break: “It’s MILF Time.”
Rosé Rehab All Stars.
Lushes with Daddy Issues.
Who Wants to Marry my Sponsor.
Q-Anon Wife Swap.
Desperate Divas: the Big “D”.
Polyamorous Poltergeist Hunters
Who Wants to Bury Billionaire?
Palacio de Pendejadas
Babes without Boundaries
S.T.I.land
The Great British Bikini Bake Off
Nepo Baby Menage Et Toi
Eve is looking over the applicants sent over by casting to choose the final group of contestants for her upcoming Reality T.V. pitch, “Lust Canal Queen.” While her brother Randall is usually the one to steering AVN News, she is taking the opportunity of his absence to launch AV-E, a new entertainment division focused on pairing reality television with product placement, joining the commercial and media divisions of Maystar-JoyCo into a new self funded venture.
The following documents and footage from marketing and casting are the final selection of women to be featured in the upcoming pilot.
The Candidates.
Eva can’t talk right now, she is coordinating the potential talent, so many candidates. She has “shares” in “companies.” She also knows how to “do her taxes.” She has an accountant who is also her corporate stylist. She knows a lot about “arbitrage” and “IPO’s” and “ETF’s.” She talks a lot about “Developer Velocity,” the “Bear Market,” and “Risk Appetite.” Work hard, Play Hard, Eva has a secret lower back tattoo of an iguana that she got while entertaining foreign investors. For her, Happy Hour starts at 09:00am EST +8 so that she can keep up with overseas shareholders, they all tap out when she is just getting started. She has a mild coke habit, both cocaine and Coke Zero. Her decision to get bangs once resulted in the near collapse of her company’s media branch. Her assistant is an unpaid intern who schedules her status updates and manages her online dating profile. She can and will “Have it All.”
Eva.
Eva.
Everything Sharon says is “Just Her Opinion.” She really wishes that things would go back to like they were in the Good Old Days when people didn’t wear hats in CVS and people weren’t so obsessed with identity politics. I mean, A boy is a boy, a girl is a girl and a Mexican is a Mexican. Why make everything so complicated? Speaking of Mexicans, she wants to know where you’re from, no, where are you REALLY from. She is just “not that political.” Participating in neighborhood watch is how she volunteers in her community, just last week she saw a member of MS16 in her neighbor’s pool. Her secret crush is Dr. Phil, but don’t tell her husband. Gary hasn’t given her a free pass. WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN? #SAVETHECHILDREN! She loves scrap booking and has the girls over every week for some chardonnay during her PTA zoom meetings. Did you know that they are teaching pole dancing in elementary schools now? Yes, it’s a trope, but she actually would like to speak to your manager, and maybe that boy just shouldn’t have been wearing a hoodie, just my opinion.
Sharon.
Splenda is looking for love in all the wrong places, primarily reality television. At six years old she was a finalist in the child beauty pageant reality show, “Twerking Toddlers” but was disqualified when it was discovered that her mother had seduced one of the judges. She has been trying to make her mark on reality TV ever since. She is such a Carrie. The casting director of “Who wants to Date my Sponsor” has issued a restraining order on her. She dated the bouncer at SOHO house. She is blacklisted from Hinge, Blendr, Tinder and Mormon Mingle. She still blames Hugh Grant for Brexit even after realizing that we was not actually the prime minister. She is known on the streets as “Hurricane Splenda” after last year’s Cinco de Mayo bar crawl. Her black market Pomeranian has it’s own Tinder profile. She was fired from her role as brand ambassador at Fashion Nova after her bronzer was criticized for reaching “Hate Crime” levels of darkness. Most recently she went viral for trying to leak her own sex tape onto TMZ.
Splenda.
Lena identifies a bisexual, but has only ever dated men. She actually dated that dude from Tiger King, not that one, the other one. She was arrested for a Free the Nipple protest outside of Tik Tok headquarters, (#Activist, #FreeTheNipple, #BLM.) She has Nick Cave’s lighter, she stole it. Her Only Fans account qualifies her to identify as a sex worker, #sexworkisrealwork (even if she only sells filtered photos of herself taking her ADHD medication while online shopping in her underwear, #realbaddyproblems.) She has an ACAB tattoo that she got in honor of the 2020 protests… it’s infected. She totally dated Banskey but dumped him because he was “toxic” and emotionally manipulative, #survivor. If you subscribe to her Patreon you can read her poetry and see her acoustic covers of 90’s hip-hp classics. She was kicked out of rehab for trying to recruit fellow patients to her cosmetic pyramid scheme. She suffers way more than you. Her chronic depression, terminal anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, OCD, body dysmorphia and ergophobia, are all medically resistant. Seriously, doctors are so inadequate and sexist that they try to sleep with her rather than treat her mental health ailments. .
Lena.
Her skin is dewy and GLOWING, that’s because she only washes her face with pheasant tallow and essential oils bought off Etsy. She works as a wellness influencer, podcast host and motivational speaker. The FDA just shut down her online shop, stating that her CBD laced Tampons contributed to multiple cases of salmonella. Aside from her skincare regime, she is completely vegan and follows a strict gluten free, non GMO, organic, raw diet. Vaccines don’t allow the body to develop its own natural defenses. Her children are all named after their most pronounced chakras, except for the bad one. He is named Zack. Her annual wellness and Reiki retreat in Cauca, Colombia was cancelled after a participant was kidnapped by the FARC guerrillas, if they had read the fine print they would have known that it was part of the process. She is consciously uncoupled from her husband, who she used to refer to as her “Life Journey Companion.” She likes to give back, volunteering as an aura interpreter for at risk youth. She also provides Reiki sessions for small dogs with anxiety issues pro bono. Her Biryani and Saag Chana Masala yoga workshops fill up months in advance. Her partnership with a Bolivian feminist shaman collective will be available at Anthropologie as soon as the contracts are revised. Did you know that you can now vape crystals? Visit her website and she will show you how.
Jenn.
If there was an olympics for “chill,” she would get the gold medal. She is not like other girls, in fact she considers herself more as “one of the guys… You know?” She can’t wait to hear your band’s cover of “Everlong.” She loves Grand Theft Auto, Bacon, Threesomes, anime, and beer pong. She hates horoscopes, rom coms, condoms and shopping. She works as a PC Game blogger and moonlights as a Comic-Con CosPlay model. She can change a tire, fire a Glock and roll the perfect joint. Despite her petite frame, she is always down for another slice of pizza and another order of wings. How can she eat and drink so much? She is just so tiny! If she gets bored at a party she will just make out with that other girl with the nice tits. She loves learning about “actually good” movies, tell her about Fight Club, or Donnie Darko, she really wants to hear your analysis. Dating is so lame. Like, she doesn’t want any grand gestures like “conversation” or establishing “are we a couple?” She’s Chill! How does she never seem to have a period? Or body odor? Or pubic hair? It’s wild that she looks like a blond Laura Croft without having any swill grooming or self care routine. No really! She wants to hear you band! Did you know that she can also do the splits?
Alexa.
She has a remarkably vague backstory. Where is she from? She is a citizen of the world. What does she do for work? Lots of things, but her real passion is helping white men get in touch with their inner child. She has a pet turtle named Cassandra and her favorite food is ice cream. She likes the feeling of walking around the neighborhood barefoot, it makes her feel more connected to the city. For a first date she will take you to shoplift vinyl at Urban Outfitters and then drink absinthe in an empty estate playground. There is no trace of her on the internet, no social media, no LinkedIn, just a blog outlining the daily routines of her pet turtle. She will show up at your corporate slave desk job, unannounced and guilt you into taking the afternoon off to go get high at the aquarium. Is she actually a child? She carries a backpack with her everywhere with her essentials: a harmonica, a copy of “Where the Sidewalk Ends,” and some raisins. She doesn’t even have keys. Is she actually homeless? Is she an heiress? You will never know.